Donald Duck walked into a drugstore & asked for a packet of condoms. "Certainly, sir" said the lady behind the counter, "shall I put them on your bill?" "NO WAY!" replied Donald Duck, "What do you think I am, a Dickhead?!"
Dog story - A veterinarian got a phone call at midnight one night. The woman on the other end of the phone said, "My wee puppy is together with the dog from next door and I can't get them apart." The vet asked her if she tried throwing a bucket of water on them. She said "Yes, but it didn't work." He said, "Did you try hitting them with a broom." She said, "Yes, but that didn't work either." He then said, "Well Ma'am here's what you do. Hang up. I'll call you back. When the phone rings, they will separate." She said, "Do you really think that will work?" He said, "Well it just did for me!"
Circus Elephant - There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant. Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it. He'd never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get $50,000. All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump. Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. He's carrying a baseball bat. He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and crunches the elephants balls pretty badly. Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays out the $50,000. Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize, so he ran another contest. He'd never seen an elephant swing its head back and forth as if to say, "no." Same deal as before: $10 per entry, $50,000 prize. Lots of people try and fail. Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat, and walks up to the elephant. He says, "Remember me?" The elephant nods yes. The man then holds up his bat and says, "Want me to use this again?" The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no....
Chicken and the Egg - There was a chicken and a egg laying in bed together. The chicken has a satisfied look on her face... The egg looks a her and he say's "Well I guess we settled that question now didn't we."
Whales - A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!"
BAR TROUBLESHOOTING CHART - SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to gent's room, practice in mirror. SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
Signs that you may be a drunk! - *** Signs that you "just might" have a drinking problem. *** You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Your job is interfering with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not! Two hands and just one mouth ... now THAT'S a drinking problem! The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. Every woman you see has an exact twin. You fall off the floor. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger -- forget dinner! The glass keeps missing your mouth. Bill Clinton starts to make sense. Mosquitoes catch a buzz* after biting you. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in. "Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol." You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store. "BeerTender! Get me another Bar!"
2 people walk into a bar... - 2 people walk into a bar. The third one ducked.
The grasshopper joke! - So this grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "Hey! Your a grasshopper! We have a drink named after you!". The grasshopper says "Oh yeah? You have a drink named Leonard?!".