Billie and Tillie were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?" The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him!"
The mime! - I put a blank cassette tape in my tape stereo last night and turned the volume all the way up....the mime next door went nuts!
Twins - Headline in today's newspaper: "Suicidal Twin kills sister by mistake"!
Victorias Secret... - TOP TEN THINGS MEN SHOULDN'T SAY OUT LOUD AT VICTORIA'S SECRET 10. Does this come in children's sizes? 9. No thanks, just sniffing 8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind 7. Mom will love this 6. Oh size won't matter, she's inflatable. 5. No need to wrap it, I'll eat it here 4. Will you model this for me? 3. The Miracle what?!? This is better than world peace!! 2. $45 bucks?! You're just gonna end up naked anyway!!!! And the number one thing that a man should NEVER, EVER say out loud in Victoria's Secret is: 1. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!!!!!!
14 Things to do While Taking a Driver's Test - 1. Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand. 2. Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, "buckle up!" 3. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of saran wrap down so he doesn't dirty the seat. 4. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say "oops". 5. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "now which one is the gas again?" 6. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil. 7. Fill your car with beer bottles. 8. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs. 9. Tell the Registrar that you are taking the remedial test. 10. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner. 11. Swear at everybody on the road. 12. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light. 13. Beep your horn at everything. 14. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.
50 things to do in an elevator - 1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. 2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. 3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!" 4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. 5. Sell Girl Scout cookies. 6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. 7. Shave. 8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" 9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. 10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!" 13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. 14. One word: Flatulence! 15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom. 16. Do Tai Chi exercises. 17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!" 18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!" 19. Give religious tracts to each passenger. 20. Meow occassionally. 21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. 22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!" 23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. 24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons. 25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends. 26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side. 27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. 28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!" 29. Leave a box between the doors. 30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. 31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it. 32. Start a sing-along. 33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?" 34. Play the harmonica. 35. Shadow box. 36. Say "Ding!" at each floor. 37. Lean against the button panel. 38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons. 39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space." 41. Bring a chair along. 42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see whats in muh mouf?" 43. Blow spit bubbles. 44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings. 45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body." 46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively. 47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers. 49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger." 50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
A few way to handle stress! - Stressed out...try some of these relaxing tidbits :) 1. Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out. (This one is great to teach neices and nephews!) 2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa bill. (Even better to call after doing it and say you didn't authorize it and want to know what the hell is going on!) 3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. (This one keeps cats and men occupied for awhile.) 4. When someone says "Have a nice day" tell them you have other plans. (Like going the store to stock up on ammunition maybe?) 5. Get a box of condoms. Wait in line at the check-out counter and ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are. (And if she's cute, always ask if assistance is available.) 6. Dance naked in front of your pets. (Not recommended for anyone with a pet Gorilla.) 7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards, and send him/her off to school as if nothing is wrong. (You can get real creative here...especially if you put a dress on your son.) 8. Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages. (Trust me...they're in there! I found 70 in just the A's!)
Bored? Try these! - Boredom should NEVER be an symptom in your life. All you need to do is read this list and Rock-N-Roll! WARNING: Some of these may result in people chasing you. Always wear tennis shows and have your escape route planned out :) 1: Reply to everything someone says with, "that's what YOU think!" 2: Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and re-route entire streets. (This one is especially useful if you're having a yard sale!) 3: Ask people what gender they are. When they reply, ask - "are you sure?" (Not recommended at Biker Bars) 4: Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and repeatedly saying "blah, blah, blah, blah". 5: Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. (Works even better if your rent a cop uniform.) 6: Go to your local mall. Walk up to strangers and say: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." If they answer you, go to plan 4 above. Be prepared to run real fast :) 7: Go to the local electronics or appliance store. Adjust the tint on all their TV's so that all the people are green. When an employees asks what you're doing, insist that you "like it that way." 8: Drive around your city or town honking at pedestians. Flip them off while driving by. Collect points for reactions: A: They flip you off - plus 20 points. B: They wave at you - minus 10 points. C: No reaction or blank stare - minus 10 points. D: They trip or run into something while staring - plus 25 points. Bonus: If they fall down, give yourself 100 points.
Computer Idiots - Idiocy in the Computer World When I worked for a company that had a contract with 3M, 3M had asked me to write them a memo describing why we were having problems with diskette failures. I said in the memo that the disks were failing due to head crashes. "If the customers would just clean their heads periodically, we wouldn't have these problems," I said in the memo. One customer responded with "What kind of shampoo do you recommend?" An end-user hotline received a call about a bad software disk. They asked the customer to make a copy of the disk and mail it in to the hotline. A few days later, they received a letter with a mimeographed copy of the disk. Since it was a double-sided disk, both sides of the disk had been Xeroxed. A Computer Operator says as she is lifting an RP06 disk pack from the drive: "Gee, how much does one of these weigh?" Me: "It depends on how much data is on the disk. The operator believed it. I had a similar experience while working as a student operator at Michigan Tech. One particularly trying afternoon, the computer was merrily crashing for a number of reasons. After about four such spectacles, we broadcast that the computer would be down for the remainder of the afternoon. There was a resigned groan from the users and they began to file out of the Center, except for one comely young woman with wide blue eyes who wandered up to the counter and queried: "What's wrong with the computer?" Too tired and irritated to give her a straight answer, I looked her straight in the eye and replied: "Broken muffler belt." A look of deep concern wafted into her expression as she asked: "Oh, that's bad. Can you call Midas?" A few excerpts from the Computer Help Desk: Caller: "What's the name for when you're entering data into the computer?" HD: "Data Entry." Caller: "Thank you!" Overheard in a student computer lab: Client (raising hand and waving frantically): "The computer says 'Enter your name and press RETURN. 'What do I do??" Lab Assistant: "Enter your name and press RETURN." Client (as if a revelation has struck): "Oh!"