How to make an ugly baby... - Q: What sexual position do you us to make an ugly baby? A: Ask your parents.
The Fowl-Mouthed Parrot! - A woman was walking down the street past a pet shop, and when she looked in the window there was a gorgeous parrot for sale with a sign that said "$50.00". She had always wanted a parrot, but had found them to be too expensive, so she rushed in and asked the proprietor, "Why is this parrot so cheap?" "Well," he replied, "You see, that parrot was in a brothel for awhile, and learned some bad language, so nobody seems to want it." How bad could it be?, the woman thought. Finally, she decided to buy it anyway, as it was such a beautiful bird. She took it home in a cage and put it on the table. The parrot looked around and said "Awk! New House, New Madam!" "Well," the woman thought, "That's not so bad." Then the woman's two daughters came home from school. "Awk!", the parrot said, "New Madam, New Whores!" Well, that upset them a bit, but they tried to laugh it off, and decided that wasn't so bad either. Then the woman's husband came home from work. "Awk!" The parrot said, "New Madam, New Whores, Same old faces! Hi George!"
Donald Duck - Donald Duck walked into a drugstore & asked for a packet of condoms. "Certainly, sir" said the lady behind the counter, "shall I put them on your bill?" "NO WAY!" replied Donald Duck, "What do you think I am, a Dickhead?!"
Lager Prayer - Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink. Thy will be drunk, I will be drunk, At home as it is in the tavern. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers. For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.
The Adoption - Billie and Tillie were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?" The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him!"
Brand Name Condoms - Which condom would you use? Nike Condoms: Just do it. Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling. Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby. Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop. Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker. Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing. Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman. Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple. Ford Condoms: The best never rest. Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock. Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did? New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey -- you never know. Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever. EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good. Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing. Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
The "Perfect" Day! - The Perfect Day According To... HER 8:45 - Wake up to hugs and kisses 9:00 - 5 pounds lighter on the scale 9:30 - Light breakfast 11:00 - Sunbathe 12:30 - Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe 1:45 - Shopping 2:30 - Run into husband's ex - notice she's gained 30lbs. 3:00 - Facial, massage, nap 7:30 - Candlelight dinner for two and dancing 10:00 - Make love 11:30 - Pillow talk in his big strong arms HIM 10:00 - Wake up 10:02 - SEX 10:10 - Big Breakfast 11:30 - Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters 2:15 - Enormous lunch with BEER 3:15 - SEX 3:25 - Play sports with the guys 4:30 - Drink BEER with the guys 6:30 - Meet Claudia Schiffer 6:40 - SEX 6:50 - Huge dinner, more BEER 8:00 - Fall asleep with BEER watching TV while dreaming of having SEX with Claudia Shiffer 11:00 - Full on, get down, gorilla SEX, more BEER 11:10 - Sleep 2:30 - Fart
OJ's URL - OJ Simpson's website address: www dot 'o' dot 'j' dot com backslash backslash backslash escape.
Getting a date. - There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer." So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said "No," he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning. She said, "Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?" He said, "Why,... Yes I am!" So they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"