The Stub - An exhibitionist named Joe was preparing to board a flight to Atlanta. As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way, a very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes. As she reached toward him for his boarding pass, he opened his raincoat and exposed himself. "I'm sorry sir," she said politely, "but you have to show your ticket; not your STUB."
Mystery Writer - Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries? A: She has a checkbook.
Something Fishy - One day, this woman went to a bait shop to get her husband a fishing reel for his birthday. After selecting one, she inquired as to its cost. The owner replied, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm blind and cannot see what reel you have. If you drop it on the floor, I'll recognize it and be of more help." So she did just that. After hearing it hit the floor, the owner said, "That's the Johnson Model 9400. It'll be $40.00." The woman decided to take it so she went to pick it up off the floor. Upon bending over, she let rip a stinky, sqeaky fart. The owner rang up the sale and said, "That'll be fifty dollars." Fifty dollars?!?!" the woman exclaimed. "You just told me that is was forty dollars a moment ago!" "Yes, I did", said the owner, "But that was for the reel. The duck call is another $7.50 and the stink bait is $2.50."
Blonde & Brunette - A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00 pm news. The current news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump, when the station cuts to a commercial. Brunette: I bet you $20 he's going to jump. Blonde: OK. (Back to newscast : He jumped!) Blonde: OK. I lost. Here's my $20 to you. Brunette: No, that was too easy. I can't take it. Blonde: I insist. I lost. Brunette: I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6:00pm news and I knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a good bet. Blonde: I know. I saw the same newscast at 6 too. But I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump TWICE!.
Bible By College Students - How the Bible would have been different if written by college students: Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food. Paul's Letters to the Romans become Paul's E-Mail to the Romans. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates. The place where the end of the world occurs, not the Plains of Armageddon, rather Finals. Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like a Freshman. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.
Quickie - You know you've been married too long when a "Quickie" before dinner now means a drink.
Going to the Doctors - There was this guy who was sick so he went to the doctors. The doc ran some tests and sent him home with some medicine. The next day the doctor called and the wife answered. "I'm going to have to run a few more tests", the doctor said "I'm going to need a semen, urine and a fecal sample". After she hung up the husband asked, "What did the doctor say?" "Oh the doctor is going to need a pair of your underwear".
Rectum Wins - One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge. The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge." The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge." The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge." The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge." The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge." Then the rectum said "I think I should be in charge." All the rest of the parts said "YOU?!? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge." So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge. The moral of the story? You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just be an asshole!
Your Name Is Missing - A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times... He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned out; you won't be able to make love more than 30 times!" The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said. He tells her what the doc told him. She says: "Oh my god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we should make a list!" He replies, "Yes, Ii already made a list on the way home; sorry but your name is not on it!"