Bill Clinton & Hillary - Bill Clinton and Hillary were travelling in a car. They stopped at a filling station. They saw Hillary's young lover there. Bill said to hillary if you were still with him, you were the wife of a filling station owner. Hillary said " NO! Then he would be the president of United States"
Valentine's Cards - A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies!
Squirrels - Two guys decide to go on a hunting trip. When there friend hears about it, he begges to go. The two men are skeptical, because every time there friend goes, he scares away all the game. The friend promises that if he is allowed to go, he will stay at the camp site, because he likes to camp more than hunt. They agree and they start on their trip. Once camp is set up, the two men decide to go hunt, and their friend stays behind. After several hours they finally spot a ten point buck, but a shrill scream scares the buck away. The two men run back to camp, only to find their friend standing there looking up into the trees. "What's wrong?" They asked. "Yeah, you scared off our game." "I'm sorry, fellas. I didn't screm when the snake fell out of the tree and wrapped aound my neck. I didn't yell when the bear came out of the woods and mauled me nearly to death. But those SQUIRELS..." What had happened to the poor man was that two squirels had climbed up his pants leg. The first squirel asked the second, "Do we eat them NOW, or do we take them HOME?"
Your're a redneck if... - -You have more fingers than you do teeth -You cut your grass and find a car -You consider Denny's a Fancy Resturant -Your best Suit contains more than 5 colors -Your age is higher than your I.Q. -Your favorite pickup line is "Does this look infected to you?" -You ask your wife wheather the spot on your neck is a boil or a mole and she replies "Its a gummy bear." -You have a family reunion and everyone in town shows up. -You say "Watch this" everytime before you goto the hospital. -Your wife and ex-wife are sisters.
Happy Happy - A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and she let a big fart. She looked up and said: "Scuse prease, front hole so happy back hole whistle!"
Cold Hands - Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up." After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says gain "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DON'T YOUR EARS EVER GET COLD?"
Lawyer and a prostitute? - Whats the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? A prostitute will stop screwin' you once your dead!
Scaled Glass Wall - Q: Why did the blonde scale the clear glass wall? A: To see what was on the other side.
Aussies - Q. Why are Australians like kiwifruit? A. Because they are rough on the outside, green on the inside..... and too many of them will give you the shits!